Kate M.
The Start
I gave up my Catholic faith when I was in my late teens, not for any particular reason. The church door was open, so I walked out to see what would happen. Nothing happened, so I stayed out.
Some years later, in the early 1970s, it became cool to explore the exotic religions of the East. Through friends I came to know of an Indian guru, who had started a new Hindu-based religious movement which was now spreading into Europe. I went to see him when he visited. I had a beautiful, moving meditation with him and after a few months I wrote to him saying I would like to become his disciple. He accepted me.
The main spiritual/religious practice was meditation. He also encouraged daily reading of his spiritual writings, singing songs he had composed, running at least 2 miles every day, and doing a minimum of 2 hours a day unpaid work for his mission. He also required that his followers must, like himself, avoid meat, alcohol, recreational drugs and that they live celibate lives. In many ways it was like a monastic existence with young single disciples often living together, while families and married couples lived in their own family homes.
The central belief in the group was that the guru was a divine incarnation, like Jesus, only he was the last and greatest divine incarnation ever. Given this divine status, most of his followers also believed he had powers ordinary men did not have. He could read your mind, he could cure illnesses (if it was God’s will), he could control the weather and he had many other supernatural or occult powers.
We believed the purpose of life was to achieve ‘God Realization’, a state of permanent union with God. As a Divine Incarnation, it was his role to bring us to that state. It was the disciple’s role to help him in his divine manifestation on earth.
The Early Years
I must admit that the first few years in the group were among the happiest of my life. For most of that time I was living in a golden bubble of joy and inspiration.
When I joined the movement was small, with only a few hundred members, so it was not structured like a typical church. There were ‘Centers’ in the major cities with ‘Center Leaders’ who ran things in accordance with the guru’s wishes. The leaders were unpaid, and each center was self-supporting. Over the years it grew. With the fall of the Berlin Wall, the group moved into Eastern Europe, and with the arrival of Gorbachev on the international stage, the group started opening centers in Russia. By the time I left there were several thousand members.
A few years before I left, I was asked to become a center leader and to open a new center in a new city. As an obedient disciple I did this. I moved away from home, held meditation classes and concerts to recruit new members, ran the center, was the middleman in communications between the new members and the guru. I led group meetings and advised the members of the new group in matters regarding the path to God realization and their spiritual journeys. I funded it all myself. I was carrying out the role that might be called ‘pastor’ or ‘minister’ in a Christian denomination.
The Later Years
After the golden period at the start of my involvement, gradually things became less glowing, and the bubble started to deflate. At the start the guru had given me a lot of attention. There was the perception in the group that the more attention you received from him, the higher your spiritual status. But as the years went by, I was often side-lined, and I did not know why. Perhaps I was not making sufficient spiritual progress. I redoubled my efforts: the sincerity of my meditation; the daily spiritual practices; my efforts to attract new disciples. Nothing seemed to make any difference. It appeared to me that two tracks had emerged in the group. Some people were on the fast track where they were given attention, invited to his home for special events and other privileges. They seemed to be party to some spiritual secrets that were hidden from me. When I looked at the women who were on the fast track, I could not understand why they were there. They did not work harder or more sincerely than those on the slow track. My heart was broken that I had lost my status in the group. Eventually I accepted that things were not going to change. The only way I could put an end to my pain was to leave the group. I started to plan my exit, but it took me about 5 years to leave. I did not tell anyone of my plan, but when the day arrived, I phoned a few friends to say goodbye and left a message saying I had left.
Around that time I heard that some ex-disciples had started a website where they revealed all the hidden scandals that I had known nothing about. The most serious was that for years the self-proclaimed celibate guru had been sexually exploiting many women in the group. They were sworn to secrecy, but a few brave souls were now telling their story on the internet. It was these women who had been on what I thought was the ‘fast-track’. Their lives had been hell.
Reintegrating
I had left for emotional rather than rational reasons. After reading the women’s testimonials it took me a while to fully appreciate how disgracefully our leader had behaved, and the turmoil he had created in the lives of so many young women. However, I was still open to the idea of the existence of benign spiritual or supernatural forces.
One of the few things I missed about my time as a disciple was the community. There were many truly beautiful people in that group. All the friends I had made over the preceding decades now considered me a ‘hostile force’ and they were not allowed to talk to me. I had to start rebuilding a social life – not an easy task for a woman over 50 who had no job and had not socialized with ‘ordinary people’ for so long. I wanted to find a group that was not centred around religion, so I went along to a Humanist group.
Initially I found their emphasis on rationality rather than emotion to be abrasive. The open hostility to religion of most of the members was something I could not identify with. However, I did start to read up on various atheist texts, and they made more and more sense.
I returned to higher education, first for a Master’s in Psychology of Religion, and I am now studying for a PhD in the same subject. The more I learned, the less religious I became, until I can now say that I do not believe in the supernatural at all. At the same time, I have a soft spot for some aspects of religion. I think it can provide a supportive community for people, and I acknowledge all the benefits deriving from that. I have zero tolerance for corrupt religious leaders. I would love to see communities with the strong bonds you find in religious groups, but without the delusions, manipulations, and exploitations, but I am not convinced that such communities are possible.
TCP Episode on “That GD Show!”
Damien
Damien came to us as a former priest with the Raelian Movement. What a new religious movement, like Raelianism, has in common with the old standbys, is that they are quick to shun a loyal adherent and leader for asking questions. Read on, as Damien shares his story.
My journey may sound unusual, as the religion I dedicated my life to for 33 years in an atheist religion, which claims to reject all supernatural and to be pro science. My departure was therefore not about losing a belief in god which I did not have to begin with, but rather about rejecting irrational beliefs and blind submission to authority in favor of embracing reason and freedom of thought.
I joined the Raelian Movement at age 18. I was not interested in joining any religion, having rejected Christianity a few years earlier and being a secular free-thinker. There was one single reason why I chose to devote my life totally and wholeheartedly to the Raelian Movement: reading the book “The Message given by Extraterrestrials” made me feel that I just had found the Truth that millions of people before me had been seeking their whole life. The shock was so profound that I felt I had no other choice than to place myself at the service of this Truth, which was going to become my sole purpose in life. The message explained that extraterrestrials had created life on Earth and had been mistaken for gods by their creation. It explained that all the prophets of all religions had been sent by those extraterrestrials and had teachings that were tailored to particular populations at particular times. Rael was the last prophet, preparing mankind for the official return to Earth of our creators, together with all their prophets which are scientifically being kept alive on their planet.
My first two decades as a Raelian were mostly a very positive experience. The Raelian teachings are extremely progressive and liberal, encouraging seeking pleasurable experiences and a liberated sexuality. At the same time, personal growth is encouraged, with an emphasis on non-violence, kindness, meditation and healthy living (no drugs, no tobacco, natural foods, fasting, …).
During the last ten years, I became increasingly frustrated by what I perceived as contradictions between the Message which was telling us that “science should be our religion” and some statements and claims which were clearly pseudo-scientific or even anti-science. At first, I thought these were just temporary glitches that would self-correct with time. In fact, it only got worse, and I realized that questioning and debating were not welcome. We had to “trust our leader” and support all his decisions, no matter how bizarre they might seem. I tried all I could to discuss with my co-religionists, trying to show them the contradictions with our scriptures, only to realize that most my Raelians friends were apparently unable to think logically. I was told to stop thinking, that I paid too much attention to details, and that I should focus on feeling instead, and humbly submit to our prophet without trying to understand.
A few months ago, unable to accept the contradictions and the irrationality anymore, I wrote a long letter to the Wise Council (a group of Bishops whose role is to make sure the Message is never betrayed). In it, I denounced what I understood were betrayals of the Message, basically the promotion of pseudo-science and irrational beliefs, as well as science denial. The Wise Council refused to take any action. I then decided to resign from my responsibilities, as a protest, but without rejecting the Message or formally leaving the movement. A few weeks later, frustrated at having achieved nothing, I decided to contact the Prophet himself. He reacted very negatively and ended up expelling me from the Raelian religion by canceling my baptism and banning me from any Raelian event for at least 7 years.
The Raelian Movement was my only purpose in life during 33 years, and I got expelled from it while trying to help it. Then things went from bad to worse as I realized that I had been lied to and manipulated for those 33 years. I was feeling abandoned and isolated, with a huge emptiness in my mind and nobody to talk to. It took several weeks before I started feeling as if I was awakening from a long hypnosis that had lasted 33 years, and, finally allowed myself to consider the obvious possibility that Rael was a fraud. So, progressively, this feeling of emptiness evolved into anger, anger at myself for having been so gullible, and anger at Rael for having defrauded thousands of people, for having stolen 33 years of my life and having shaped those 33 years according to his own selfish needs. Rebuilding my life with a new purpose, and a new social environment been challenging.
Barton Boehm
Barton was raised a Catholic. As an adult he went on to establish a Church of Wicca which he served as high priest. Now Barton proudly identifies as an atheist and we are proud to have him as a TCP participant. Barton, tell us more…..
I was raised Catholic in a suburb of New Orleans. In my mother’s eyes, baptism was like a brand on cattle that cannot be removed. However, we were really only Sunday morning devotees and nothing more, even though she was raised with heavier obligations to all the sacraments. As a teen, I began questioning/exploring religion, especially after seeing Joseph Campbell’s The Power of Myth series on P.B.S. I suppose it was then I knew that Christianity wasn’t right for me and that the Pagan worldview resonated more with me.
I had always had a fascination with the paranormal and otherworldly, but just not the scary, evil, or devilish. Then, I saw some witches on TV — Oprah to be exact. These were Wiccans, not Satanists, and their message was positive and powerful. Around that same time, roughly my graduating year of high school in 1986, I read a few books on the subject and was sold. I dedicated myself to that religion. It took a few more years before the opportunity to find teachers presented itself. That came in the early 90’s in North Georgia. I learned a great deal, but a terrible roommate experience led me to leave Georgia and return to be near my parents on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.
The stars seemed aligned for me in Mississippi as I both became the manager of a “New Age” store and met the woman with whom I would be married and start a family. She, too, was Wiccan and together we bought that little store and made it our own. All the while, we crafted our own eclectic form of Wiccan practice. In Wicca, the belief system has basic common elements but, with no central authority, adherents can tailor their observances to meet their needs. For us the store gave us the chance to meet many others of like mind and we decided the best way to serve our community would be to establish a legally-recognized church of Wicca. She had come from a Wiccan group in New Orleans that had been legal since 1972, so there was some guidance from there. Upon meeting another Louisiana group, we learned there was an international Wiccan church in Washington State that was given a special IRS designation. This church could confer legal 501(c)3 status to its affiliates under an “umbrella” exemption. We made quick work of it and in 1999 became a real church and real clergy –in Mississippi no less!
Years later after my wife and I divorced I closed the store but kept the church going. As High Priest, I conferred ordinations, married couples, blessed babies, hosted regular services, etc. I was president of the local chapter of The Interfaith Alliance for two years in a row. At its height we would sometimes have 50-100 guests to our church services which we considered our “congregation.” The inner core group of initiates took part in keeping things running with me. As time passed, folks would come and go – some to start their own groups, some to explore other pathways. By 2012 our group had shrunk in size to a small handful of 4 or 5. We were growing apart or perhaps tired of what we had been doing for so many years.
It was at this time that something switched for me. I was going through the motions, but I did not actually believe in deity anymore. They were merely symbolic at best. Now, this wasn’t a stretch because for many Wiccans the God/Goddess were merely symbolic representations of that which we experience as Earthly. A dual natured godhead for a dual-natured world. Male/Female, yin/yang, etc. Up to now, they were real to me. I prayed to and worshipped them as having actual consciousness. But it was gone and I felt as though I was betraying someone or something. I confessed this to the remaining members and we agreed to end the church. It was devastating because the church was my baby – a creation of mine of which I was very proud.
Since then, my logic became more scientific/evidence-based. I became an atheist and have proudly adopted that moniker among others. Still, there’s a part of me that wishes I could marry the old and the new. In fact, there are atheist Pagans doing just that, but it is a small faction and, quite frankly, non-believers don’t seem much on group dynamics in my experience.
So here I am looking for those who have come through something similar even if from a different tradition. I hope we can grow together. Thanks for reading.
Mohamed Cisse
Mohamed Cisse serves on our Board of Directors and, as treasurer he is a vital member of TCP’s Executive Committee. As one of our former Muslim religious leaders, he lends a unique perspective to our community of merry apostates. Mohamed, please do tell us more:
My Story
Like all other faith-slaves (sorry, that’s how I call it), I grew up with more fear of the hell than dream for the paradise. Even the 72 virgins did not scare me like the hell. Here is a frightening story for the group:
The best friend of my grandfather was a black-smith. He and his workers mainly family would buy junk aluminums, melt them in a high density furnace and use that liquid to produce different equipment and sell them. My grandfather and other Muslim leaders always use the image of that furnace and the extremely-hot-liquid to illustrate the hell. I have to say, it always scared the ‘hell’ out of me. Along with many other metaphors, I just wanted to avoid the hell and that’s it.
While regular people may see this without fear, I could not. Why? I was born and raised in the Ivory Coast (Cote d’Ivoire) to be the successor to my late father who was Imam and a very respectful community leader. I grew up with my maternal grandparents, also Imam, where I was being initiated to be the reflection of my name ‘MUHAMMAD’ like the prophet of Islam. I was trained very early to be a muezzin and a preacher. My young age and my innocence made people see in me the perfect miracle of god sending his message through such a “blessed child”. People loved me and cared so much for me. I got the front seat right next to my grandfather during community events. I was served the best food and people ‘literally’ waited until I start eating before they do. I received live chicken, goat and sheep/ram as people offer to god for various reasons. In return, I made some very special secret prayers for them. Sometimes with the spiritual help of my grandfather or father, depending on the nature or the size of the problems. During the month of Ramadan, wealthy Muslim families would initiate night prayer at their houses and request that I am sent there to lead them. My voice was compared to two celebrities in Saudi Arabia: Imam Abdullah Al-Matrood and the late Abdul-Basit (Please google them). I was trained in reading the Quran with a very emotional voice. I had memorized almost the entire book and was called ‘Haafiz’ (a person who knows the Quran by heart). Every Friday and Monday night, we (TALIBEs) go begging from household to household in the name of Allah. People give us sacrifices (offers to God consisting of left-over food and money) for various reasons.
While growing up with all these phenomenon, witnessing my mother consistently struggling in the daily bases to save and feed her children is the one reason that pushed me to question some of the religious believes and practices. I got in lots of trouble for questioning the need to pray to a god that never answers anything. I was told that god has decided that we suffer here (in this miserable world) to have the eternal life in the heaven. Just to name a few that many of you are certainly aware; Domestic violence was merely a sign of a good education; Male dominance was very faithful and women abuse was acceptable. Women have very little to zero rights and they are conditioned to accept it. My mother, for instance, was married at the age 13. She immediately became pregnant but the baby did not survive. She was right after pregnant and that was me. I was born when my mom was 14 years old and she was thrown out (divorced) when I was two years old with ZERO rights. In my community/religion, Slavery was/is fine except that our human governments courageously would not allow it. I want to stop here and hope to have more opportunity to share a lot more.
Joey Roo
Joey Roo joined us as a former practitioner of old Native American tribal beliefs in the Lakota Tribe. I just want to say that it has been a treat having her with us, so without further delay, I’ll let Joey take it away:
A short bio, eh? I’m verbose, so I’ll try to keep succinct here.
My belief system was one you had to be born into. Elders identify the children they believe will become ‘medicine carriers’, as my grandfather identified me, by vision, he told me, before I was even born. My life, it was told to me, was mapped out by ‘the spirits of all things holy’, and I would not be free of it…I was told, it would always use me to its purpose.
Fear not, though reader, for those same elders had me convinced I was going to be ‘different’ than the other ‘medicine carrying kids’, telling me being a female changed things from the ‘normal’ boy-choice, and that I also had to be a ‘bridge’ or ‘conduit’ between our old culture, and this mainstream one……and so, I found a deep love of science while I was in school.
I excelled in my studies, was part of a gifted education program for most of my schooling, which only stopped when my family moved us to a small town, with no gifted education program. I tested high in college entrance exams, and nearly went to MIT, or Harvard (I was accepted, both places, and offered help to financially afford it via scholarships)….but then, there was that ‘belief’ system again. I became convinced that my fictional deity needed ME in particular, more than Law, more than theoretical mathematics, cosmology, or quantum physics (all of which I was very interested in, and couldn’t quit learning about)…but I went the other direction, with a little help from my elders, of course.
Instead of going to university, I traveled for a couple of years, teaching, lecturing, running seminars, and ceremonies all over the US and Europe with my father and by myself on occasion. I took time to go to a small, Native American college for a couple of years, before burning out under too much stress (I was also involved as ‘the face and voice’ for my campus in a tough environmental fight that pitted the students against the city/county, besides all of my studies). I then traveled again, teaching, lecturing, conducting ceremonies, often with my father, often without, and we expanded our reach to Australia. It was then, that I met my first husband and father of my children as I traveled in the US, I settled down, and kept my leadership local, for the most part.
Through all of this, all of those ways that I’d been taught, were evolving too, you might say. At least, they were in my mind. I was using the things I picked up here and there, about science, psychology, evolution, to justify my beliefs by saying, in my mind….get this…a thousand times, more probably, I said this to myself……
‘Science is catching up to what my ancestors already knew’…..
Whoooo, man!! THAT was going to be the single-handed self-concluded, justification that I just clung to what I thought I knew for as long as I did. Any and all dogma, was just falling away over those years…slowly, but surely. Every year, in retrospect, I had to struggle more to excuse my continued belief in something I should have been WAY too intelligent, skeptical, and analytical to have fallen for…after all, I could blow metaphoric holes in dogmatic, organized religions, I could ‘convert’ people from those religions, into my own, less-dogmatic, more environmentally friendly religion. But STILL I believed it….
I believed it on stage, in front of hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people….I believed it when my Dad died…I believed it when my first husband died…I believed it when I thought a miracle was sent to me in a second husband….I believed it when he died too….I believed it through all of the many darknesses, that threatened to swallow me…I believed it through the incredible experience of birthing two beautiful babies, 6 years apart…I believed it at every good moment, and bad moment.
Then my son was diagnosed with Diabetes, and I was forced back into researching things. I went back to science, and suddenly everything began to change. I found out that the food voucher program they’d put me on during my pregnancy with my diabetic son, was NOT advocated that Native Americans eat that way, and when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I wasn’t informed that would increase my baby’s risks for diabetes. We all ate the same in the house, and no one else was diabetic……it wasn’t a creator at all….it was real world stuff. There was nothing magical, nor mystical….it was all right there on a screen in black and white. Facts.
Science, you might say, ‘saved me’ from putting one more ounce of energy into sacrifice for a creator, and started me on 2 years worth of re-familiarizing myself with biology, physics, chemistry, critical thinking, skepticism, logistics, through independent study, as I continued my auto-didactic ways of learning.
I searched through youtube (thanks to my kids, who clued me in) and started watching little ‘sciency’ vidz just for fun, and then I happened upon Dr. Richard Dawkins’ youtube videos. At first, it was like a repulsion, and fascination with what he was saying at the same time….like those ‘sweet n salty’ snacks that don’t know what to be in my head. I suddenly found myself really angry at someone I didn’t even know, because how DARE he love nature as much as I do, but without God?! Of course, the algorithm on youtube, brought up other atheists, and then I discovered Christopher Hitchens.
If you’ll pardon me saying, Hitch was every bit as pissed at organized religion for the way it damages the world, as I was, and cursed it just as much as I do too.
I had this moment…about late-January, I’d say…so roughly 4 months ago now (It’s MayDay of 2017 as I write this), that the phrase in my head changed.
“My ancestors were pretty smart for a people who’d never flushed a toilet, and would’ve thought my Android phone was magic….”
*Laughing*…..hours later, I knew I was an atheist…
Months after that, I knew I couldn’t go it alone…I’d need the living people. And so I’m here, with you living people behind the screen.
Thank you TCP for being there.